mildly manic

by Gwen
(Hot Springs Village)

I've been mildly manic for almost my whole life. I remember experiencing terrific highs and horrific lows since early childhood. I don't think my mood swings fell too far outside the realm of normal though. My mother always thought I was "overly dramatic", but I thought she was kind of cold...Ah well, it's difficult to know if your memories of yourself as a kid are accurate and I guess it really doesn't matter WHEN you started experiencing this crap.

Sorry, I digress....In my mid-twenties, I fell into a low spell that I couldn't shake. It lasted longer than any other "spell" I ever had. I was working and attending college at the time and I eventually just walked away from college. I couldn't concentrate and I had no ambition for it. I couldn't shake that inexplicable feeling of sadness or loss either.

I moved to a completely different part of the country (long story) and the mood just vanished over time. I didn't realize it at the time, but that was the beginning of my cyclical depression. I've been living with it ever since...about a quarter century.

I married and had 2 great kids during that time. By the time I reached my mid-thirties, I had finally accepted the fact that I was suffering from some kind of cyclical depression disorder. I probably have S.A.D. (seasonal affective disorder), since my episodes generally happen in the winter. However, I've also experienced random "attacks" at other times of the year too, so I don't know. I'm digressing again....I started taking anti-depressants in my thirties because I didn't want my kids being affected by my disorder. I wanted to stay as normal as possible for their sakes (and my poor husband's sake!)

And you know what? After 17 years of trying to medically manage this affliction, I must say that I'm sick of taking stuff like Prozac - the side effects suck, ie. it's killed my libido; I'm sick of being on an upswing just long enough for me to start believing I'm going to succeed in life, when BOOM! there comes the wet blanket of depression weighing me down again; and I'm sick of the lethargy, sadness, hopelessness, weight gain and general negativism associated with depression!

I'm ready for something new! I'd like to get this monkey off my back before I die of old age, ya know? I know my husband would sincerely appreciate it :)

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Merri Ellen writes:

Hey Gwen,

Thanks for sharing your story. I can hear your frustration and boy... do I ever want this research to absolutely change your live like it did mine!

I am so glad to hear you have such a supportive husband. Mine has been amazing too. I don't know how he stuck through it. He said that many times he wanted to give up on me but just couldn't. Count your blessings with your man.

Be sure to diligently read all this research and ask your doctor about it. You'll be so glad you did!

There is hope! You are worth it!
Blessings!

Merri Ellen