Lost in a Crowd

by S
(Hutchinson, KS)

Everything stops the moment i wake up, dreams are my only escape from the pain...some days are better than the rest but i'm usually faking. My boy friend of 3 years is one of the people that make me feel worthless. The only other person is my father. Ever since i was a kid i was never enough. neither of them understand what i feel or why i do the things i do. i want to be better to wake up and not hate myself, to look in the mirror and see the person i see in my head.
the gift i've been given is the ability to write how i feel. depict it in different art works, but mostly poetry and because of that part of me doesn't want it to go away. sometimes i feel like i see things more clearly in the sad time than the happy. But i know thats just a lie my mind leads me on to continue its destructive path. I think anger is my best friend sometimes...i can me so angry sometimes that it scares me...the weird thing is its me that angers me the most then my father then my boyfriend...and the same for what makes me sad. without my mom i'd be nothing i'd have killed myself a long time ago. and now its my one friend that keeps me holding on, she is everything, because she understands what i'm going through...right now i want nothing but to forgive myself for not being who my father wanted and just to start being who i am...i don't want to pretend anymore, i just want to live without fear, without contempt, without fear. i don't want happiness i just don't want to hate myself.

ANSWER:

Thanks for sharing. Yes, trying to live up to other's standards is futile and sadly as young people we are often trained that way sometimes unknowingly by our parents. We each have been made us for a purpose which is so much more fulfilling than what others want us to be. Read: "Living Life on Purpose to Beat Depression"

There is hope!

Merri Ellen :)