help? i think i need it ..

by B.C.
(buffalo,newyork)

1. Think of the top 3 people you see most often during the week. Are they positive people or pessimistic people? Do they give you a glimpse of hope and joy or do they squash it all?

Well I see my friends just about every morning. They are all pretty bright girls I'm the downer mostly but I try my best to pep up a bit. Sometimes the act gets old and I cant help but show how I truly feel, and that will carry with me throughout the school day, I don't listen in class because the "sadness" distracts me and I get drowsy. I usually go to the clinic and take a nap for 2 periods just to get away from everybody. other days I just drown everyone out with my music so I don't have to hear anybody. The school that I currently go to stresses me out but because of where I live I cant transfer to the school id like to go to. I try my best just to deal with my school and everyone In it but I don't know how much more I can take. when I wake up in the morning I want cry because I don't want to go. it shouldn't be like that.

2. Where do you want to see yourself after being depression free? What do you want to be doing with your life?

Depression free, I would love to see my self passing my classes and doing what teachers say and learning the material I need to know for finals. id love to be able to laugh with my friends and get out more. I spend so much time in my room. without depression I think id be able to focus on my art work better. I think that I could have a happier imagination and id be able to think clearer instead of that sad blur. I want to be able to achieve my goals instead of putting my self down about them. I want to be able to get up in the morning. and I want to be able to sleep at night. id like a timely sleeping schedule.

3. As you think about your depression, what do you think it may be teaching you about yourself?

I think its teaching me that I truly haven't been that happy person and that I'm not like the other kids at my school. I'm not being smart. and I'm not going anywhere because I don't push myself. I cant push myself. I'm frustrated with who I am.

4. What or who makes you angry?

what makes me angry is when people like my doctor and my mom don't realize that when I'm on my Adhd and add medication I don't feel happy I'm not myself. I don't feel lose or able to goof a bit like other students. what makes me mad is when they up my dosage because I'm not working. I am not working simply because I don't feel like it. simply because I am frustrated and stressed out about everything, not because I cant focus.

5. What or who makes you sad?

who makes me sad. well the number one person in my life. his name is james. james and I had a connection when I first met him. you could say it was love at first sight. I didn't know his name. or anything, but I knew I had to meet him one way or another. well one day he showed up at the park by my house with my ex bf at the time and he introduced himself. he said his name was james. I knew from that moment on I was different. a lot happier I had a smile on my face that I hadn't worn in years. james and I started talking on facebook after I found his account on my ex bfs timeline. I added him and he messaged me, we talked more and more and I found out that he loves everything I do. we had so much in common it was like looking in a mirror. we got closer and he soon found out that I was pretty good at art and like most people who realize someone can draw that ask for a picture. he sent me a photo of his eye and asked me to draw it, it was a beautiful eye is as sea green with specks of blue and brown flooding from the middle. It became my favorite picture, I drew it just perfectly and handed it to him the next day and he looked at it and smiled. he asked me to sit down next to him so I did he then began telling me how wonderful it is and how much he loves it. that moment made my life. but yeah. james and I began to see each other more often and one day he asked me out. my life was changed forever. he was all I could ever ask for. he meant so much to me. we dated for 3 months. until things started to get bad. james got sad. he didn't go to lunch anymore. he sat in the nurse and slept. I felt horrible. I thought I had done something wrong. but I know I didn't I never fight. especially with him. one day I went to hug him and he pushed me away and said that hed catch me later. he never did. catch me later. james broke up with me. for no reason he didn't tell me why. and on January 9th 2012. he left. james moved 2598.2 miles away from me. james and I still talk. but I miss him dearly he came to see me over the summer for a month and that little bit of happiness was enough to hold me high, he then went back to California. and I was heart broken all over again, I know sit here in wait of his return. that will be in 2 months. its been 1 year and 7 months since hes been gone and the thought of him makes me sad.

6. What or who brings you joy?

the things that bring me joy are simple. art. james. and making other people smile. I don't know why but, seeing others smile, just makes me smile. just to know the are okay.