Free Falling Fear 24x7

by Margaret

me- December 2009

Like the old question: "Which came first the chicken or the egg"?


Which came first for me: Was it the depression or the emotional havoc that I was raised in?

I am one of 8 siblings. I grew up in the Bronx, New York, in a 2 bedroom apartment with a very physically and emotionally abusive father who was an alcoholic.

Maybe my environment caused my depression but many years ago I decided I wasn't going to spend anymore wasteful time figuring it out. I knew something was wrong with how I was viewing the world. I was terribly frightened all the time as a young girl; a feeling of being disconnected from people which manifested itself physically as tremors in my hands and involuntary facial ticks.

I literally felt as though I was slowly disintegrating inside; that I was falling from the sky with no parachute. I was too young to know the words to label what these feelings were like and too young to understand that I was medically depressed.

The more I tried to suppress my 'facial ticks', the worst it got. Then I found a (temporary and deadly) cure that would actually slow down the racing thoughts in my head, the endless fear of living, and YAHOO; yes; a way to actually stop the unpredictable physical ticks and tremors and it was alcohol.

So, by the time I was 13 or 14 years old, I would secretly drink whatever I could steal or get from my friends. I used alcohol secretively and hardly ever drank in the presence of other people; only when I was already 'sedated', was I able to go out and pretend to be social and norma, which was hardly ever. I expereinced blackouts almost immediately whenever I drank whether I drank one glass of wine or 4 beers on an empty stomach.

I also used cough medicine once I found that it would slow down the shakes and ticks and stage fright. Self-medication for self-existing.
Oh yes, I cannot forget or minimize the loneliness and despair of feeling worthless, doomed, and trapped. But by the time I was old enough to tell a doctor about my depression, I was in my late teens and then I was told I was depressed because "my brother just died". Then 2 years later, I was told I was depressed because my 'dad died'. Well, this went on-and-on that every year there was some external loss that was causing my depression and my alcoholic drinking. I was prescribed Melleral, Thorozine, you name it, and I was given it.

I agree. Losing 4 siblings and a parent, all from either abusive use of alcohol or drugs may have enhanced my depression but I know that they must have been battling and self-medicating their depression (also) to go that far down in the depths of sadness, isolation, loneliness, and self-loathing.

I have been sober 23 years now and I have 2 beautiful, bright children in college who have never known their mom to ever drink alcohol and a wonderful husband (I don?t know how he stayed with me!) but I have to be very candidly honest and say I have been battling depression, anxiety, PSTD and to top it off with ADHD throughout my years of sobriety, hoping and praying that it will subside.

Recently (the last 6 months) I finally went to my new family doctor (my doctor for many years has recently retired!) and shared with him that I wanted to come off the Effexor anti-depressant because it was not helping me anymore; in fact my depression was at an all time bottom-of-the-pit-darkness and I was ready to hang it up.

Basically, I was not emotionally well at all; waking up with suicidal thoughts everyday and then the same thoughts randomly haunting me throughout the day, coupled with an overwhelming sense of helplessness and ironically a fear of living with a devastatingly fear of dying.

I showed my Doctor a five month plan that I found on WebMD on how I could go about 'tapering off' the Effexor antidepressant . He agreed to work with me to wean off of it as long as I committed to checking in with him at least once a week for the next several months.
The withdrawals from the antidepressant were like nothing I can ever describe in words ? HORRIFIC!

Currently?

I am willing to go to any lengths to stay sober and I am willing to go to any lengths to find an alternative for my depression.
Can this plan that you are sharing with me, actually help folks like me?

Sincerely,
Margaret


ANSWER:

Hi Margaret, thank you for sharing. I believe this plan can help you, but DON'T try it without your doctor's consent and guidance.

If you don't have one already, find a mentor or counselor to help you walk through your empty emotional tank. “People can live weeks without food, days without water, minutes without oxygen, but not a moment without hope.” Walking through past pain is so difficult. Here's a woman's story of despair turning into hope... The website I've linked you to also has free online mentoring if you'd like to walk with someone through this online. :)

There is hope!

Merri Ellen :)