by Ionut
(Romania)
Im 22 years old and my life for the past 4 years is...nothing! absolutely nothing!
It started around when i was 18-19.At first there were simply mood swings until it got worse.So worse that i ended up skipping one year at the university where im studying.I was e complete wreck...
I was thinking about suicide almost each day for about 5 months or so.I didn't go to seek any kind of professional help,actually no one even knows what im going through, not even my parents.This is my first time im even writing my thoughts down.
Im able to hide my feelings very well.Im very cheerful on the outside when im with my friends and i can have a great deal of fun with them....but that doesn't affect me in any way whatsoever, on the inside im still the same.I cant even remember how real happiness feels like...the only thing i feel when something goes right is relief.
For the last month or so i began being afraid of ending up alone...my parents are getting old, my mother is 58 and my father is 64, and i dont have any kind of relatives to who i maintain a constant contact.I dont have any kind of relationship, beside friendship, with a woman whatsoever....and friends come and go...
I had an older sister who passed away when i was little.Im always thinking how our lives,me and my parents, would have been if she was still alive.If one of us was meant to go then that person should have been me...
I dont have any goal in this life...each year passes and all are the same.My view of the world is very pessimistic, everything is dark...my self esteem is almost nonexistent....but im still hoping for something, dont know why...
ANSWER:
Thanks for sharing and taking that first step of admitting where you are at. That is huge! I'm glad you found our site with encouragement. Your depression wants you to think there is nothing to live for, and that you should have died instead of your sister. It wants to defeat you. Take advantage of our online counselors and research and let them/it walk the journey with you to hope. :) I know because I've been on both sides of the journey and I love being on the side of hope and joy. I want this for you too!
Baby steps...
There is hope! You are worth it!
Merri Ellen :)