Change, decisions, then exhaustion.

by Pam
(Oklahoma)

Sept till now, I just realized I couldn't remember who won the nomination for president. Was that this past fall? I don't know where the days have gone since my separation of 17 years, before Sept, I was employed living in a different state and devoted my attention to my husband and my mother.

I had no friends, so now I am going through a divorce which lends the fact I had no other support system in place. My two children are the only two people who cares and wants to talk to me. I hate being an emotional burden on them. What do they really think about me moving back where they are and staying inside this apartment laying on the bed most days.

I have to get a job and support myself. I worked all my life and now I can't even fathom getting a job again. I had a career and I was helping people, it is a service dealing with mostly elderly.

I cry, I can't quit writing my soon to be ex. My mother tried to scare or kill me on Christmas. She tried to run the car into a bridge when I was with her in the passenger seat over something I said. I am 58, my mother had me when she was 14.

Been trying to see a therapist on the insurance, no one excepts patients, but I have left numbers and have a few more to call. I called yesterday, but today I haven't done anything. Nothing. I look at my computer, I try to sleep, tears roll down my face. I am scared of myself becoming homeless.

I found a divorce support group I may try to go to if I can drag myself out of this bed. It is Thursday night, it makes me nauseous thinking about it. I will put it out of my head tonight. This means Thursday may come and go and I won't think of it again until next week or maybe never.

The physical pain of heartbreak is crushing. I wonder why I left my husband, but I can sometimes remember the pain I felt when I was married. Was I consumed by keeping these two relationships (husband and mother) together? Now that everything I had worked so hard on, they are gone and I am left with nothing. It feels so terrible, I wish I could get cancer and leave this world. I will not do anything to harm myself, I have done research on that one in November and realize I don't want to put that in anyone's life to live through. I don't want anyone else feeling like this. It is too overwhelming.

I write this because of course I am lonely, scared, and I feel nothing but despair. My life looked different before Sept. I wish I could cut these months from my life, and be back to where I was but it can't happen.

I often think because my mother being in my life so forcefully, and me trying to fix things for her, if I were to be with my husband again, I may be a better wife. I found out he was not as devoted to our relationship as I was by not telling me about an emotional affair he was having with someone at work for about 4 months. People can recover from emotional affairs and I don't think he has the desire to rekindle the relationship. I have severed it severely. Maybe I only want to go back because of the depression.

Depression is terrible, but the aches and pains of a broken heart along with the depression feels like I can't get any lower, then it happens, I sink lower and lower until I believe I have gone crazy. No one I ever worked with would expect to see me in this condition. Just because I was strong and had vitality, does this mean I could be that way again? I don't think I can ever have that again.

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Mar 26, 2013
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Response to your warm heart. hearted post.
by: Pam Borum

Your response was a wonderful bright spot in my day. I feel very connected to you also. I am finding my way out of this depression through this web sight. I am really surprised how much better I feel since writing the original post. I am working the steps, today I received my step three, light therapy. I had a salmon wrap and ate outside in the sun. For exercise, I walked and picked up trash in the neighborhood. Picking up trash helped me to contribute something since the last 7 months I have felt as if I was a burden on anyone coming into contact with me, (which btw, are very few people)

I have started a blog. On the blog it talks about how in the beginning of my separation I did a lot of journaling. All the negative feelings and wanting to end my life started coming true. I really believe writing how badly i wanted to die, lead me into actually putting myself into situations that were dangerous.

I few years ago I learned in depth about goal setting and reaching goals. I know when I write a goal, I really want to obtain, I direct myself (unknowingly) to achieve it. I don't feel that way about typing though. I type fast and do not hold onto the words. By writing in my journal those horrible thoughts and anger, I was actually directing myself to live through it over and over again.

I believe now, there is some good that comes from depression. My depression has revealed to me about my co-dependency. I have low self worth. My marriage suffered not only because of this, because it takes two to tango. Our tango was just stepping on toes. It lead to heartache, and I was the one that stuffed it all inside.

If you want to visit my blog, your are welcomed to. I write it as if I will be out of the depression one day and may want to help others.

I realize you are the same as I am. What good am I unless I can help others. I am not working now, but my job helped identify who I was. I had no real sense of self and how as you say "beautiful" I am.

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. You are beautiful also. I can see it in your heartfelt reaching out to me. I will always be blessed. I am going to copy your post to me. I will put it on my desk top and read it whenever I crash.

I have changed my diet and am taking Omega 3 and magnesium supplements. I am down to 1/4 dose of Zoloff, I had been taking that for years! I see the light. I think you do too, which pleases me. You seem like a wonderful person and I KNOW you are worth it. No one could not see that, the way you reached out to me.

If you would like to visit my blog here is the link:

http://takeanotherlittlepieceofmyart.blogspot.com/

I am hopeful it won't take me 10 years to get over my divorce. I am just happy I found this web sight and a compassionate wonderful person to share with.

Pam

Mar 26, 2013
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You are not alone ((hug))!
by: Anonymous

Omg Pam, I hear your pain, so heart breaking. I understand how you must be feeling. There is no quick way through this terrible ordeal. There must be more to the reason you severed your relationship with your husband. You say you write him. What is his response. I remember losing a love that I felt the whole world lose color for about three months. It took me 10 years to finally let go of that toxic love I had for a cheater. He didn't return the love so it was all in my head and heart. It took me so long to forget him, but the worse pain was during the months after the break up. I ask you this one thing....what was your life, your self esteem like before you met your husband. Do you realize that without his toxic influence you can make a better life for yourself. Do you realize how strong and beautiful you are. We are all precious to God. He made you perfect. You are amazing. Think about how incredibly your body works. You are a scientific miracle. That didn't happen by accident. God has purpose for you. This depression is a horrible thing to have to endure on top of the break up. The depression is probably a result of the break up. You are feeling helpless, lost and like life is out of control. What I have been doing to try to overcome my depression ...is to walk a little each day. Drink lots of water. Eat good food in smaller portions. Let the sunshine into your bedroom, or go for a walk in the sunshine. You need light like a flower. Honestly these things sound simplified, but you need to take basic good care of yourself. Next journal. Write all those angry frightened feeling down in a book. It helps to purge the intense emotions and start to make sense of some things. The walking, water and light food will help your body to help your mind. Time will help you sort things out. I'm so glad you are not going to end your life. You are so important, you just don't know it yet. God has a reason for you to go through this change. I don't pretend to know the reason. Only healing time will reveal that for you. Don't give up. Please know there are others suffering just like you. Searching for self and answers too. The first thing is to take care of yourself. You know how to do this. If not then look for answers on the internet. I'm working on my own answers. I too am depressed, but I'm working on it. I just feel a connection to you. I just want you to know...we hear you. God Bless.

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