Busy Little Place

by Jennifer
(Indiana)

Many Many Moons ago It Seems

There is this place inside my mind where I hide. It is a busy little place. I used to think people who heard voices inside their heads were really mental. But then every night when I went to bed I would start hearing voices. They would ask me questions like, do you really deserve this, or are you good enough for that, did you make the right choice...

Then I realized it was just me having conversations with myself. I was and still am degrading my own self in my own mind! So obviously I started thinking I was crazy. I didn't do anything about it for a long time.
Then two years ago, I started a new job. I call it a professional people watcher, but I am actually a property manager for about 190 apartments. I love this job and had a great time with it for about the first year or so. Then it happened. I snapped. Literally. I threw the phone down after getting cussed out by a resident who was in the wrong the whole time but wouldn't admit it. I started shaking, crying, yelling and there was nothing anyone could do to help. My boss told me to go home and calm down and come back the next day and I left.
The next morning was the scariest thing I have ever been through. I woke up, took a shower and then realized I literally didn't know what to do next. All I could do was call my husband. He came home from work immediately. He took control of the situation cause clearly I couldn't. I was still wrapped in my towel just sitting there at the table staring off into space. The worst part of it is that my son witnessed the whole thing. And that made me feel even worse. That's when I got put on Zoloft for depression and Lorazapam for anxiety. It seemed to work for awhile. But recently there was a delay in processing at the pharmacy...this put me about three days behind on my Zoloft. And if you've taken it you know what happens next.

Needless to say it was one of the worst weeks in my life. And there again was nothing anyone could do to help me. So here I am, I have my meds and my head is clear(enough.) But I want to be able to by the end of this year be off of them and be living healthy and happy again. I can't live knowing that if I miss my meds things are going to get that ugly again. I just can't!

ANSWER:

Merri Ellen writes...

Thanks Jennifer for sharing. I can so relate. Frustration, anger and bitterness can well up inside us and throw our state of mind completely off. This may be the same for you. I encourage you to find a counselor to talk things through or start journalling if you haven't.

My e-course has a step on positive thinking that covers how powerful journalling can be. It's what I did and do to get through the crap in my head. I hope you can find some valuable info there. I hope it's helpful!

Thanks for your photo. Enjoy your little one! Be prepared to learn so much about yourself and grow - like crazy as a parent:) But, enjoy, be patient with yourself and with your little one.

Keep in touch, come back to the forums, offer encouragement or empathy to others on the same journey - this helped me get well and get my mind off my own worries at times.

Blessings!
Merri Ellen