AN EVIL HEAVY DARK SPIRIT ON MY BACK TRYING TO DRAG ME TO THE GROUND EVERY DAY

by LadyBird
(uk)

I have been on antidepressants now for 3 an half years. Tried twice to come off them, each time ending up back the same.

When im down i have horrible thoughts about the world, i think why am i here, whats the point in life, i have scared feelings, feelings in my gut like something bad has happened or im grieving for someone or something. Totally kicks me to the ground, im fighting an episode off now, early oct i started having panic attacks, horrible thoughts, had to increase my medication to 40mg a day. Am feeling alot beeter but every day feels like a fight and a battle. Some days i feel good, then other days i feel like its their again tryin to drag me to the ground an i have to tell myself 'ignore it, you be ok' drag myself to work, gym etc but have no feelings of happiness or joy.

To see me you would never believe i suffer depression, im normally bubble, upbeat, work hard to achieve my goals and im i believe if you work hard enough you can achieve anything in life. I have a career that i love, i go on holidays twice a year. I am single though and all my mates are getting married.

So i always think now why me? Why am i suffering this, will it be with me for life? An that is a horrible thought. I would rather not live if i had to live like that every day,
So i continue to fight it, im now eating right foods,go gym, do things that i know usually would make me happy (heard epa fish oil is good but can only get pure off internet, healths shops in England say pure epa dont exist) i have cut right down on alcohol. Used to dabble with cocaine on nights out and ecstacy when i was younger. Makes me wonder if i damaged my neurotransmitters in my brain totally.