22 years of feeling depressed because of childhood memories ..sufficating inside.

by someone like you
(ny)

I think I always knew something was wrong, but I just kept pushing it further and further down. Some days, I am absolutely fine more than fine and then there are moments, sometimes seconds of days that I feel the bad stuff. Sometimes I get snap shots in my head other times its shit I read or movies I watch or a song I hear and I love that song or what not at the time but hate how it makes me feel inside. because it bringing something up I have tried burring deep down.
I have read some stories on here contemplating whether or not to write this, and what I can say I have in common is the fake smile. I dont even know how long I have been doing this fake smile every one talks about. High school? before highschool? I dont know if I really want anyone to read this to be honest, I think i just need to get it out? What I am about to say, I have never said before and I have never wanted to admit any of this, and if you actually do read this entire thing, I am sorry it is so long and I thank you for reading it.
When I as young maybe 5 or 6 I use to love watching the brady bunch on tv, any type of family that seemed normal. I always thought to myself I want a family like that "normal". I loved in a house that for all purposes was nice, old but nice, i never not had food or toys to play with i was at no means deprived lets get that straight my story I an not looking for sympathy I had a good life in terms of money even though my family is border line middle class poor.
Anyways my dad was an alcoholic, at the time I had no clue he was that I just thought he had such rage such contempt for my mom that he just had a demon in him, thats what I thought. Me and my sister would go and play or go to our rooms I dont really remember that except i use to suffer from night terrors when i was that young and i would often act out i was not easy, i had to much energy and people miss took that for HDHD.
I went from that house to an apartment with just my mom and older sister, something about my older sister she was very independant, she could take care of herself with a i dont give a &*@!! attitude so for most of this she protected herself not me. And we loved her because this was one of many times my mom cried wolf to my dad that she wanted a divorce because he would beat her. We also moved because my house kept getting broken into about twice? mind you in a very nice neighborhood? Ill get to this later.
in this apartment my strong memory is sleeping one night and waking up to see a little man almost midget like creeping outside my window, running in my moms room and telling her only to be told go back to bed its just your father. Another one was the slipping of video games under the door because she wouldnt let him in and i think that was the first time and only time Only time i felt bad for him i slipped him a peice of candy, which was christmas candy dont know if it was or if we were just that poor that thats the candy we got. Oh yea and one time he got in to fix our closet because it broke but now that I remember more clearly it broke because he threw my mom into it. The last thing before we left the apartment my mom told me she was pregnant with my younger sister.
I moved in with my grama, my parents lived down stairs in a little apartment with my baby sister I think my grama had them do it to fix themselves, I lived with my grama. best time of my life, i slept with her almost every night I love her she is my angel. Then she moved out and her and my grampa got their own house actually exactly where I first lived in the beginning of this story, new house though. My parents moved upstairs I got to see my younger sister now. But then it started, go to sleep, wake up to the turning of a door knob you think i am joking but i am not maybe i was 9 or 10 or 11 but I was trained at this point to know, to listen even in my sleep for the door. He would come home, drunk, and it would start I dont know exactly what or when but I would cup my hands against my wall to hear and I was listening for the slapping sound the hitting sound. It always escalated, always moving fom their room to the living room to my room at one point i would have to beg him to let her breathe, but at first i would stick up for her at first i would think poor mommy but she would throw me under the buss tell me to shut up, stop and forget telling someone at school if they found out i was brainwashed to believe that they would take me away and put me some where worse that this.
************ Then we moved again, when I was entering high school by this point the drinking lessened and it seemed he lost grip that he was turning into a old man like his body lost the war that went on for so long like he couldn't handle it not that he was cured or anything like that, once a demon always a demon. I of course had some trouble, i did the usual drugs, nothing crazy but for a good couple years I would at first for the pain then for fun. I would cut for a year when i took drugs for pain. I did it mostly for attention from my parents but they didnt get it. Then in high school, i met a boy who i thought was one thing and it turned out anther way. He was a dealer and addicted to cocaine, the love for each other was so strong at first, then he came to hate me because I wouldnt do the drugs with him I couldnt i cared for him so much. you have no idea but I saw what it was doing to him and i couldnt do it, i tried boy did i try he was in and out of so many institutions and went away for a while to a pysch ward he would call me even though we were not together, he used me for sex, he used me for alot much worse that sex our relationship was based off of him using me, sucking the life out of me. i remember bawling on the floor when i was in 10th grade over him because I really thought he would over dose, eventually I realised the stress and how he changed me. he found a girl that would do the drugs with him and I moved on met someone else when I was 17.
*************Finished high school early! No pregnacies in high school, stopped the drugs for 2 years in high school and to this day, no drinking problem either.
But then it started again, after thinking i was fine, ok, good it happened. my parents play this game of tolling you to worries basically, getting you all tensed up and sick over it whatever it is and then in the end they take care of it. Like when I finished my first half semester in college the school told me they wouldnt give me credit so my mom freaked out i did everything i was suppose to do thn she gave up very easily never got the credit. second semester I did good. Third semester I taked bad, my parents told me they were just picking up and moving to florida just like that, i better figure out my living situation, my car situation they couldnt pay for it any more and my cell phone. figure it out. after months and months of planing driving myself sick with worry and depression bad depression days I couldnt get out of bed, they said they werent moving any more, and even if they really did i would have been fine. They tell me this after the fact, after i screwed up evry thing with worry and planning and school, they tell me i was just kidding basically. This happens alot over the course of things and by the time i tried to get back on track the school kicked me out. I dont blame them but i was so depressed I wanted to go, i was just going through things I didnt know what to do. I chose work instead of class for money, and of course i started using drugs again.
Oh yea and this boyfriend that i met when i was 17, we went through some crap, he beat me once and only once he had anger managment isssues went to counceling for it because he wanted to end it he was suffering for that all his life because his dad died when he was in middel school. For some reasion I like picking the onces damaged or need fixing? I dont get that. We have come a long way and I can proudly say he is a completely different great man, i have put my heart and sweat into him for love and he has given me love. believe you me he has but along the way and abortion later i lost who i was of a while, i put all my energy and time into him that is why i think he flourished too because he had me and his mom encouraging him every step of the way he has a great job now and he is happy. I finally took time into my hands and gave myself attention,i started doing things for me and I did start a little modeling and promotional modeling because I love to talk to people and for a while things were really looking up..............

July 2011: here we are I am 22 years old fresh 22 by the way, and i am sitting here tonight in front of the computer feeling like crap these past two weeks. There are things I left out not because i wanted to just because i forgot till now or its just too long to write. I feel sad again, hopeless, that my life is going no where, i am 22 and have no degree. I have a passion i want to do so many things i just feel very hopeless, i have never talked to someone about this really and not someone trained to deal with this. I dont know what to do, i feel stupid because I know i am gifted and i just let my privileges go out the window, i am not proud of myself, i just dont know how to stop. thats it ...I dont know how to stop this hating, hopelessness, scared to actually fly and not fail, i hate it.